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Careful who and what you vote for

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

“I promise to work hard for my fellow Americans. I promise not to raise taxes. I promise to balance the budget. If you vote for me, I promise, I promise, I promise…”

A devilish predicament for a dastardly scalawag
…While walking down the street one day a corrupt senator was hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

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Short term memory problems

Friday, June 11th, 2010

YUCAIPA, CA – On Thursday I recharged camera batteries, cleaned lenses, and just generally got my camera equipment ready for the California Classic Men’s Fastpitch Softball Tournament THIS weekend in Santee (near San Diego).

It’s a good thing I checked the tournament information, because the Classic is NEXT weekend. My drive from Yucaipa to Santee is about 2 1/2 hours. Imagine me showing up at the softball fields and nobody there.

That would have been hard to live down.

Oh, and I forgot that my sister and niece from Minnesota are coming to California NEXT weekend, NOT THIS weekend as I had planned for.

Me thinks my short term memory has gone long term bye bye.

Dog pack attacks Gator and survives!

Tuesday, June 1st, 2010

SOMEWHERE, FL – These daring dogs attacked and killed a vicious gator in Florida. If only my dog were so brave.

Softball tragedy strikes Yucaipa Park

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

YUCAIPA, CA – I took my dog Tassie for a walk this morning at Yucaipa Community Park. And I saw something so terrible that I’m not sure I should even talk about it. But in the interest of preventing further tragedies and travesties of this kind, I feel I must.

So if you’re a little squeamish, quit reading right now. And if you’ve got a weak heart or high blood pressure, please consult with your doctor before reading any further.

As I said I was walking Tassie, and my friend Big “Q” Quiller Holt was walking along with us. We happened by the softball fields, when Big Q blurted out, “Bob! Look over there. I can’t believe what I’m seeing!”

At that same time, my dog fell to the ground. She covered her eyes with both paws and began whining, the like of which I’ve never heard from her before.

Big Q pointed again and commanded me to look, but he added, “make it quick and don’t look too long or you’re gonna be sick.”

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Old Mustang Bob learns valuable lesson

Monday, April 19th, 2010

This cowboy gets dumped by a wild bronc. Could Bob be next?

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YUCAIPA, CA – I announced rather proudly my latest plan. I’m going to adopt and train a wild Mustang I said. My son advised me to buy more life insurance. And my wife said, “I’m afraid you’ll fall off and get hurt.”

“So you think I’m too old?” I asked my wife, in a bit of a huff.

“Yes,” she said without a hint of doubt, or a blink of her eye.

Now here’s the thing with men. As we age we don’t like being told we’re too old for anything. Be it job, sports, sex, and yes, even training a wild Mustang.

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Those smug Republicans

Monday, February 8th, 2010


The smug look of the Republicans after the Massachusetts Senate Race. Is that a morsel of Democratic hide dangling from their jaws?

One comment that I received stated: “It might be their young they’ve eaten. Republicans don’t care about anyone’s survival except their own.”

Fear not natives, we come in peace

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010


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YUCAIPA, CA – I’ve signed up to be cryogenically frozen. This sudden inspiration for preservation came about after I read, “Discovery of habitable world seen,” by Seth Borenstein of The Associated Press.

We are close – very close astronomers and scientists say – to discovering Earth-like planets where life exists, or could exist.

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Otto’s Got A-Lotta-Bull

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

Where my new business enterprise starts.

YUCAIPA, CA – I’m starting a new business and I think it’ll be successful for two reasons: My product is in great demand and I’ve got an unending, free supply.

I volunteer at a horse rescue ranch. And all 25 of our horses are fed the finest hay and grain. And of course, what goes in the front end of a horse must come out the back end. And that’s where my business starts.

Yup, I’m going into the horse manure business. Hey, why not? I’ve developed a great rapport with all the horses. And I’m confident they’ll work round-the-clock supplying me with all the horse pooh I can possibly sell.

And to all my customers, I make this promise: My “product” will be the freshest around. In fact, it won’t even touch the ground until it reaches your garden or flowerbed.

All I need is a wheelbarrow and my quick feet. When I see a horse raise its tail, signaling me that the product is about to flow, I’ll race over with my wheelbarrow and push it right under the horse’s tail.

And I’ll hear the sweet sound of “plop, plop.” That’ll be money to my ears.

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Come on, just one little snowflake

Monday, January 18th, 2010

The “Great Yucaipa Snowstorm of 2004.”
Photos by BOB OTTO
YUCAIPA, CA – I’ve got my fingers crossed. The temperature’s dropping. The rain has been falling all day and the drops are getting bigger and colder.

I’m scanning the skies searching for just one little snowflake. And perhaps that one brave, little snowflake will trigger a snowstorm like the “Great Yucaipa Snowstorm of 2004.”

Let me tell you, that was a whopper of a snowstorm! Eight inches of the white stuff covered Yucaipa, breaking a 50-year record.

I know, I know, you snowstorm-weary folks from Buffalo, Fargo, Minneapolis, and the upper reaches of Michigan are snickering about now.

“Eight inches? Eight inches! You call eight inches a whopper of snowstorm? You’ve got to be joking.”

But my Eastern and Midwestern friends, you have to understand, we don’t get snow that often. It’s almost as rare as rain. So when it snows, it’s a big deal for us sunny southern Californians.

We party, play and romp. We have snowball fights. We build snowmen. We go sledding. We also get stuck in ridiculously small amounts of snow. And we motor about like were driving bumper cars at the county fair.

Fender benders? Plenty of them. Slide off the road? Oh, we’re good at that. Tail gate and speed on the freeways as though were driving in balmy, 80-degrees? Certainly. Hey, we’ve got a reputation to uphold.

But alas, our record-setting eight inches was gone in two days. All melted away. And we were back to our boring, warm weather. What a bummer.

Excuse me while a check the skies. Come on, just one little snowflake. Is that too much to ask?

Democrats and Republicans need some snuggle time

Friday, January 15th, 2010

Why can’t the Democrats and Republicans snuggle up to each other and get along like this?