California Czar’s buzz cut will save water

Written by Bob on March 23rd, 2015

YuleBrynner The late Yul Brynner typifies the new California look to conserve water.

YUCAIPA, Calif. – California is running out of water. To solve this dire dilemma, I’m appointing myself California Czar of Water Conservation. I don’t want any help. No board of directors, no commissioners, just me.

If you want to shorten my title and call me “Czar,” that’s fine. Now let’s get to work and solve one of the worst droughts in California history.

I’ve got a few great ideas to fix the problem.

First, no more hot showers.

In fact, I order all hot water lines running to bathrooms be shut off. Just imagine the water savings. After all, how long can anyone withstand the torture of showering or bathing in cold water?

I’m also mandating the installation of water timers in all bathrooms that will automatically shut off the water flow after two minutes. Get wet, lather up, rinse and be done with it.

With one exception. me.

I’ve got a weak heart that cannot withstand any manner of shock; therefore, I must guard my fragile health and will continue my soothing and delicious hot showers. After all, I am the Czar.

Secondly, I decree that all California residents get their hair cut short. It’s called a buzz cut. Never heard of it? Do a Google search for Yul Brynner and that should explain it all. The buzz cut will eliminate those long water-intensive shampooing’s and conditioning’s women are so fond of.

A few swipes of a bar of soap over your hairless head and you’re done! And just think of the money you’ll save. Expensive shampoos and conditioners? Forget about it. Didn’t I tell you I had some great ideas?

Now just to be clear, the buzz cut isn’t just for men. Oh no, no, no. It’s also the mandatory hairstyle for every woman calling drought-stricken California home. And that includes you easterners and Canadians who come here in the winter months to bask in our warm sunshine. Cross the California border and you’d better pull out the clippers, scissors or shears and start cutting.

Of course this will generate a whole new classification of people. Forget about identifying yourself as White or Hispanic or African-American or Native American or Asian.

With our gleaming and bared domes for the entire world to see, we’ll filter into one of four new California demographics: cone heads, round heads, square heads, and knuckleheads (although the class of knuckleheads has been around for ages).

There is one exemption from the buzz cut. Me.

Since other water-starved states will no doubt call upon me for my expertise, I regrettably must exempt myself again to retain my good looks. My gorgeous blond locks (not a gray hair to be found yet) will continue to adorn my perfectly round head so that I look my best when meeting with high and mighty statesmen.

And finally, I’m banning grass. No, not the kind you smoke, but the kind California homeowners pamper and saturate with spraying sprinklers round the clock. So that luscious green lawn you’re so fond of? Let it die.

And heed this warning: “If it’s not brown, I’m bringing you down.”

However, I must utilize the power of my position to execute another exemption, my favorite golf course, the Calimesa Country Club. And for a very good reason: The Czar likes to golf.

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