King for a day

Written by Bob on October 8th, 2009

YUCAIPA – My wish has finally been granted. I’ve been anointed “King For A Day.”

The call came early yesterday morning. An official-sounding voice said, “you have 24 hours to enact all the decrees you wish. Then you must abdicate your throne.”

I believe it was President Obama. Most likely, he’s heard of my fine intellect, astute powers of reasoning, and wise decision making ability. Apparently, he’s entrusted me to make changes that will benefit all citizenry, rich and poor; be they religious, atheist, or agnostic; and regardless of political affiliation.

My first decree: To toss out all scoundrels elected to public office. So be gone with you all Senators and Representatives! For your incompetence, spend thrift ways of the people’s money, and stubborn refusal to negotiate and compromise like mature adults for the betterment of all in my kingdom, you are forever banned from public office.

My second decree: All loud mouth buffoons and shock jock tongue waggers spreading negativity are forever forbidden from showing the whites of their teeth. Your pompous distortion of the facts will cease at once!

This infamous bunch includes the likes of Fox and MSNBC “news analysts” and mouthy hosts – Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow. And the loudest buffoon of them all, Rush Limbaugh.

My third decree: Health care for all! And the much debated public option? Yes indeed. We shall have that too! And the word, “pre-existing conditions?” It will be banned forever as if it never existed.

Now before you angry dissenters rush upon my castle brandishing drawn swords and threatening to hang me from the gallows, let me explain how we will pay for my grand health care plans.

The scoundrels and vermin in decrees one and two will pay for it. With honest jobs. And from the royalties they receive from their best selling books. Books that have inflamed and divided our citizenry either to the far left, or to the far right of our political spectrum.

They will work as powerless knaves for the harm they have inflicted upon the citizens of our great country.

My fourth decree: The fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq will cease immediately. Our brave troops will finally come home. Enough of our trying to exert our will and might over a people with vastly different ideological, political, and religious beliefs.

My fifth decree: The green revolution is on! I appoint our brightest minds and best scientists to discover and initiate ideas and plans that will free us of oil dependency, improve our environment, and reduce global warming. Within this decree, I raise my scepter and demand (yes I demand!) that job creation comes from the green revolution.

The unemployed will be trained and put to work in the fields of solar and wind power, water and soil conservation. They will build dams and underground reservoirs to store our precious water. They will repair bridges, repair and expand our roads and freeways to unclog congested traffic.

They will build mass transit that will link us all to work, recreation, and travel; thereby removing from our freeways most manner of gas-guzzling, internal combustion machines.

My sixth decree: Free college or vocational education for the poor, underemployed and unemployed. In return, they must commit to four years of public service upon graduation. They must serve as teachers, work in community service, enlist in the military, and the like. As King, I offer my most disadvantaged countrymen a hand up, not a hand out.

My seventh decree: To all my fellow countrymen, I order all reading and watching of negative news about the economy, politics and politicians, stagnant sales figures, unemployment statistics, and all such manner of media to desist for two weeks.

My fellow countrymen, we need to clear our minds of such negative thoughts that batter us day after day plunging and wallowing us into mental depression. And instead infuse our minds with optimism and hope. Two weeks is all I ask.

Ask? No. I’m king; it shall be done!

I have many more decrees I wish to enact, but alas the phone rang once again. And the all powerful and wise caller told me that my 24 hours are up and I must step down from my throne.

But before I take leave, I command that my decrees be done!

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