Only Dr. Short Fingers will do

Written by Bob on June 12th, 2009

YUCAIPA, CA – Doctors with a sense of humor. Ah, so hard to find and so very much appreciated. Luckily I have one. She’s a skilled physician, who also happens to have a funny side.

To protect her good name, lets just call her, “Dr. Short Fingers.”

Anyway, I went in for a long over do physical at the Loma Linda Veterans Hospital this morning. And the one thing that tightens me up a bit is the dreaded prostate exam.

You know, bend over while the doctor’s probing finger checks out that troublesome little acorn that can give men in their later years trouble if left unchecked.

Now before seeing Dr. Short Fingers, her assistant doctor told me that my PSA blood test (The Prostate-specific antigen test that measures the level of PSA in the blood) had come back fine and that I probably wouldn’t need the “finger probe.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Good,” I said. “That’s the one thing I dread about coming here.”

“They all do,” he said.

But the good assistant doctor was a bit premature. Into the room walks Dr. Short Fingers. After slapping my hand (literally) and admonishing me for not taking my high cholesterol pills, she said, “we’ll need a prostate exam.”

Perhaps that was her way of punishing me for ignoring her advice and shucking those cholesterol pills.

“But the doctor told me I wouldn’t need one,” I said a bit taken back by this sudden turn of events that had my butt checks starting to squeeze together.

“We need to examine that prostate for enlargement,” Dr. Short Fingers said.

“Well during my colonoscopy exam two years ago the doctor did say it was enlarged,” I said, begrudgingly agreeing with her.

I looked at her fingers. Oh, nice a short. So that shouldn’t be too much discomfort.

“Bend over the table,” she said.

So I dropped my trousers and shorts and bent over trying to relax while the doctor slipped on her blue synthetic lubricated gloves and began probing away. That’s not bad, easiest prostate exam I’ve ever had, I thought.

And I’ve had some exams where let’s just say the doctor could have easily palmed an oversized beach ball.

“That wasn’t bad, didn’t hardly feel a thing,” I joked.

The doctor laughed but then said, “it (prostate) felt small, but my finger is short, we’ll have you (nodding to assistant doctor) see if you can feel it.”

I glanced at him nervously, my eyes darting to his hands. Ouch, they looked long.

“Do you have any pain medication,” I said with a nervous laugh.

Dr. Short Fingers burst out laughing. And she put her arm around my shoulders as if reassuring me that this would be okay.

“I suppose I could stick my hand up there,” she said laughing. “No, no, no, that’s okay,” I said, feigning terror.

“Go in gentle, not too hard,” Dr. Short Fingers instructed the nervous assistant, which made the two of us crack up.

But the nervous assistant seemed not to think this humorous for he didn’t utter a peep, instead concentrating on the work bent over the table before him.

I think I may have been the “virgin voyage,” for the young assistant. And I could tell (feel) that he didn’t want to be probing any longer than I wanted him too.

He finished in record time. I pulled up my shorts and trousers and said, “That was okay, but I much prefer your gentle, short fingers.”

With that Dr. Short Fingers laughed, flashed me a smile, patted me on the shoulder, and said she’d see me in six months.

But next time only her fingers will do.

3 Comments so far ↓

  1. Nan and Ginger says:

    Thanks for the laugh

  2. John Murphy says:

    That was funny, Bob. Almost made me puke, but funny.

  3. Bob says:

    Little did Louis Amestoy realize that when he introduced me to the world of blogging and the concept that just about anything goes, he unleashed a blogging maniac. By the way, maybe I should adopt the blogging moniker of “prostate man.”

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