Otto’s Got A-Lotta-Bull

Written by Bob on January 20th, 2010

Where my new business enterprise starts.

YUCAIPA, CA – I’m starting a new business and I think it’ll be successful for two reasons: My product is in great demand and I’ve got an unending, free supply.

I volunteer at a horse rescue ranch. And all 25 of our horses are fed the finest hay and grain. And of course, what goes in the front end of a horse must come out the back end. And that’s where my business starts.

Yup, I’m going into the horse manure business. Hey, why not? I’ve developed a great rapport with all the horses. And I’m confident they’ll work round-the-clock supplying me with all the horse pooh I can possibly sell.

And to all my customers, I make this promise: My “product” will be the freshest around. In fact, it won’t even touch the ground until it reaches your garden or flowerbed.

All I need is a wheelbarrow and my quick feet. When I see a horse raise its tail, signaling me that the product is about to flow, I’ll race over with my wheelbarrow and push it right under the horse’s tail.

And I’ll hear the sweet sound of “plop, plop.” That’ll be money to my ears. Fresh? Oh yes, I promise the freshest horse pooh that money can buy.

Now I need a catchy catch phrase. But what?

Perhaps “Otto’s Pooh, Only the Freshest And Finest Will Do,” or maybe, “Otto’s Horse Sh–, Your Garden Will Love It!”

OK, I’ve got a couple of catch phrases to choose from. But I foresee a potential problem.

What if the horses wise up and realize they’re doing all the work, and I’m reaping all the profit? I can picture them going on strike – their tails firmly locked down – and constipating my business.

But I’ve got a back up plan.

I’ll just switch from horse pooh to bull pooh. And we know there’s plenty of that going around. My three biggest suppliers I know I can count on are talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck of Fox News, and of course, MSNBC news anchor, Keith Olbermann.

Although those three spew a lot of bull, I still may come up short. Without enough bull, I’m out of business.

Ah ha, I’ve got it! We know the far religious right and the far left are full of bull. So, I think I’ll start with Pat Robertson from the right. After his horrific blather about the Haitians making a pact with the devil and ever since being cursed “by one thing after the other,” Robertson shot straight to the top of my bull list.

But to be fair, I’ve got to scoop up some bull from the far left, too. And as everyone knows, the far left is evil and diabolical. My choice? It’s so obvious – Satan of course!

Now that should supply me with plenty of bull, which leads me to a most logical choice of names:

“Otto’s Got A-Lotta-Bull.”

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3 Comments so far ↓

  1. Ken Hessedal says:

    Do you deliver? I could use some crap to supplement my compost pile.

  2. Bob says:

    Yes, but I do charge mileage outside of Yucaipa city limits. Let’s see, about 4,500 miles times 50 cents per mile comes to…

  3. Lucy says:

    Great story, Bob!! Seriously, fertilizer is a good money maker in big cities. You could do well with this!!

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